It appears that I have neglected this blog. My other blog is the only one I really care about. It is funny that I have not posted on this blog in two years. It actually seems to reflect quite well on how my life feels right now.
I don't know if it is something that happens to all mothers or if it is just me. I feel like I have ceased to exist as an individual. I once was a person with thoughts, feelings, interests, passions and a career. I was able to rest, relax and enjoy things that I liked. It is a slow progression, I think, to get to the point where you feel like you have disappeared. I don't know who I am anymore. It is a very helpless and sad feeling when you aren't in control of your life. I know that none of us are really in control but you know what I mean.
This summer I went almost an entire week wearing Dennis' deodorant because I couldn't make it work out to get to a store to buy more without dragging four kids with me. It wasn't that it was impossible to do it. It was more that I felt so defeated that I probably would have rather died at that moment than endure the torture of shopping with four little kids.
The responsibility of managing the kids, their appointments, school, preschool, church things, feeding them, bathing them and cleaning up after them has become my life. Add in breaking up fights, household responsibilities, managing finances and our farm stuff and there is nothing left. My brain is constantly running with everything that is coming up and the million things that I need to do or haven't done or am late doing. When I have a break from the kids and have "me time" it really isn't "me time" it is me trying to shop for groceries or toilet paper by myself. Occasionally, I will have a pedicure, meet a friend or get to have a date with my husband. I can enjoy the moment if I am able to shut my brain off and not: think about what isn't getting done while I'm gone (or what is piling up for me to do) or mentally rescheduling and prioritizing my endless list of responsibilities and commitments. When I feel like I have somewhat of a hold on what is going on then comes the unexpected. Examples of this would be: bad weather, a sick child, running out of an ingredient, an unplanned errand that has to be done, forgetting something I need while I'm out, a child falling asleep at home or in the van at the worst possible time, my husband telling me, once again, that he has to be gone or will only be physically present because he needs to study, not having someone to watch the kids when something comes up, forgetting to start the washer or dryer or an unexpected expense and not knowing how we will cover it.
Just thinking about all of this gets me irritated and, to be quite honest, really angry. Just a minute ago I had to go and have a talk with my oldest son. He is difficult, grumpy and more of my time and energy is required disciplining him and dealing with his poor attitude and behavior than I would have ever been willing to freely give up. The comforts and conveniences that I have relinquished to become a mom are many. The rewards, although weighty, are few.
I feel as though I am a shell of a woman. An old bucket catching raindrops only to have the contents leak out of five rusty holes in the bottom. Like I'm brushing my teeth while eating an Oreo. In my former freedom I would find fulfillment in spending time with friends and family. Now, I only seek solitude. Ironic isn't it.
Can you hear the problem here? Can you sense the real issue? It is selfishness. I am not willing to takes my eyes off of myself. Everything boils down to how any given thing effects me. It is a heart issue. I can do things out of love and obedience or I can do them with resentment just because I have to do them and I am responsible for them. God knows the difference. I could look like Super Woman to someone but when my heart is evaluated by God I am exposed as the sinner that I am.
As I continue to grieve the loss of my life of fewer responsibilities and my identity as an individual, it seems silly. I have sacrificed things I enjoy, some of which, I might regain in later years only to grieve this current life that was so fleeting. Jesus Christ was/is the ultimate sacrifice. The Father sacrificed His son. The Son, Himself. There are times where I don't feel this life is worthy of the sacrifices I have made. And I know, that I myself, am not worthy of Christ's sacrifice for me. I do all the things I don't want to because I love my family. God sent His son to the cross because He loves me. As for my identity... I should long to be be seen as one who is in Christ. But to see Christ in me I must become less so He can become more. I must change the focus of my eyes from myself, to Him.
